To POWERLESSNESS
I hadn't been feeling well for a few days now and was constantly on the road of loosing myself to the feeling of being unwell. It wasn't surprising to me, to let myself go towards something that made me feel less strong. And the idea of not being stunned by feeling powerless, scared me up. Was this a new normal for me? To not feel myself, or to release myself into an emotion that held me back?
I didn't know what was it or why... but I surely started to realize how was it by now.
My mother suggested me to get dressed up better around the house and to stay regular with my schedule (which I actually didn't have). Listening to those things made me aware of the person that I was not and the person that I never wanted to be. To feel helpless and to not remind myself constantly about my strength wasn't one of my traits. In fact, admitting the fact that I felt weak, horrified me upto the core.
Maybe I wasn't feeling weak; I thought, maybe I just didn't make myself aware about who I am, about my strengths and the ways I moved out of my comfort zone to speak up. I knew it was okay to feel fragile sometimes, to have yourself scattered around the floor, unable to gather yourself up to get back in track. But I also knew that it was high time I kept those pieces untouched on the floor. I knew, I needed to convey something to myself, to make myself discover the pain of being someone I hated; to become someone I admired.
I let my mind explore some of the things that made me who I am, which further made me come across the mistake I was making for some time now. I knew speaking out my opinions made me who I am, I knew writing my ideas and feelings made me stronger, I knew getting up on a stage and not hesitating about people's ideas about me helped me identify myself. And these were the only things I hadn't done in a really long time. Somewhere I was the one holding myself back and now I didn't want to continue it...
That perception, is what led me here, throwing those scattered pieces on a paper... what better medicine for a writer's dilemma than writing!
Will this make me find myself back? I don't really know, but will it make me feel better about my inner self? The affirmative answer to my question, made me put this up...
I didn't know what was it or why... but I surely started to realize how was it by now.
My mother suggested me to get dressed up better around the house and to stay regular with my schedule (which I actually didn't have). Listening to those things made me aware of the person that I was not and the person that I never wanted to be. To feel helpless and to not remind myself constantly about my strength wasn't one of my traits. In fact, admitting the fact that I felt weak, horrified me upto the core.
Maybe I wasn't feeling weak; I thought, maybe I just didn't make myself aware about who I am, about my strengths and the ways I moved out of my comfort zone to speak up. I knew it was okay to feel fragile sometimes, to have yourself scattered around the floor, unable to gather yourself up to get back in track. But I also knew that it was high time I kept those pieces untouched on the floor. I knew, I needed to convey something to myself, to make myself discover the pain of being someone I hated; to become someone I admired.
I let my mind explore some of the things that made me who I am, which further made me come across the mistake I was making for some time now. I knew speaking out my opinions made me who I am, I knew writing my ideas and feelings made me stronger, I knew getting up on a stage and not hesitating about people's ideas about me helped me identify myself. And these were the only things I hadn't done in a really long time. Somewhere I was the one holding myself back and now I didn't want to continue it...
That perception, is what led me here, throwing those scattered pieces on a paper... what better medicine for a writer's dilemma than writing!
Will this make me find myself back? I don't really know, but will it make me feel better about my inner self? The affirmative answer to my question, made me put this up...
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