Fear Of Missing Out

 "I like the feeling of being awake, when no else is."    -Theodore Finch (All the Bright Places) 

I toss and turn in my bed as I'm unable to sleep. I stand up and open the shutters, letting some air in, to accompany my sleeplessness. The cool breeze brings with it the dampness of the atmosphere and pats my face and goes back... I look outside and the lights from the partially busy roads prickle my eyes.

I stare at the ceiling for a while, thinking about nothing. It is plain and dark, and barely visible. I blink my eyes again and again, trying to play with the darkness inside my room. But, after a few moments as if it understands my playfulness, it snatches away the fun. I pull my blanket over my face trying to trap the darkness inside, but it's suffocating and I start missing the soft touch of the breeze.

I take the blanket off and think of something else to pass my time with. And it suddenly hits my mind, that I've been ignoring one thing that I'm unable to listen to, all this time... the silence. I close my eyes for a minute and try to listen to the silence. As soon as I try to strike a conversation the incessant chirping of the crickets cut me off.I once again close my eyes and try to concentrate...

Giving up to the music of the crickets, I drop the idea of talking to the silence and start interrogating myself. "Why am I unable to sleep?" I ask myself annoyingly. "Maybe, because you're enjoying your own company and want to spend some time alone..." I hear a voice. "Yes, I do like spending sometime with myself in silence, darkness and with a light breeze." I reassure myself. "And maybe, you just don't want to miss onto these beautiful creations of nature that you can never live again if you go to sleep" the voice reappears. "But, I also don't want to miss the beautiful morning that the next day brings." I start complaining. "You don't want to miss anything, do you?" the voice chuckles at me and fades away.

I think about it for a while and realize that my mother always tells me how I hated sleeping when I was young. It makes me think of the times when I unknowingly guarded the nights, scared of missing things out. I still snooze the alarm in the mornings for an extra 10 minutes sleep but I'd always hate missing things out. I don't know whether to worry about this attitude of mine or celebrate it... I'm still contemplating... I'm still intrigued.